The day I learned to let go has become the most important day of my life. Believe it or not, I thought I could control my daily surroundings, the people around me and the way the day would pan out. Until I realized that even in the midst of controlling my atmosphere I was still afraid of everything and didn’t feel very secure. There is a saying, “Let Go and Let God”. I’ve hated it since I’ve first heard it, yet that is what I return to when I’m trying to lead my own life.
From a young age I have been afraid of future events. It all stems from being “left alone”. Which is interesting since I love to be alone. And to use love is an understatement. For example: My mom would go into town without me and I would cry for hours thinking she left me. My sisters would play a game without me and I’d cry thinking they didn’t love me. My Dad would think I didn’t care about being with him and he’d start projects without me. I’d cry thinking he didn’t want me around. You get the point. Then I got older. And when you’re older you start thinking of the future. My biggest fear is that I will be alone, forever, possibly alone forever even when I die.
Therefore, control was and is, important to me. If I can control the way I feel about situations then I felt like I had the upper hand to my impending alone-ness. If someone didn’t like me, I reminded myself I didn’t like them first. If an activity happened without me, I was glad they didn’t include me since I didn’t like that game anyway. And so it began, the stuffing down of emotions so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of being rejected or left alone. My motto became “I love being alone. I hate people. Let me live on a mountain like a hermit!”
There is a quote in the Bible from Jesus “I will never leave your nor forsake you.” Knowing that verse is one thing, believing it is another. It haunted me over and over again in the core of my being as I put on my facade of authority and confidence in my life. He was the only one who saw my heart, who knew my soul. I was still afraid. Very afraid. He kept whispering his own words to my heart as I tried to block out his voice and everyone else’s around me. You see, if I gave into him and really believed that He would never leave me He might play a sick joke and turn on me as soon as I trusted him.
It wasn’t until we left our church and I was home for a while that I became sick of the attitude I had adopted. To let go was the hardest part of my life. Just as I was hearing that I’d never be left I was also being told to let go. But I didn’t know how. It’s interesting how there doesn’t have to be bright lights shining or music playing for an incredible event to take place. A party doesn’t have to be thrown and there is no need for flashing neon lights. In the loud and chaotic spaces of my heart there was this probing, telling me to let go and let God. So I did.
I don’t remember the day I let go. I don’t remember the time. All I know is that I felt free. In that moment I was so free that I could have been in the deadliest, scariest place and I would have been confident. I let go of my insecurities of not being loved, liked or even wanted. I let go of trying to put on a show of knowing everything. I let go of the dreams the world had put on me and began expressing my own hearts desires. I let go and I let God finally take me to places that I had wanted to be in for so long, but to afraid to go there thinking that I was alone.
He will never leave me, nor forsake me. The more I try to put on that face of control or indifference, I immediately feel trapped. But the day I learned to let go gave me the freedom to be, do and say whatever I really wanted. Yes, sometimes It puts me in awkward situations. Most of the time it is exhilarating!
So Here’s to letting go!