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My whole body slumps and mentally I’m cussing myself out. The agony of regret fills my pours and all I want is to lay on my bed with melodically sad music and cry.
This happens to me often.
Most of the time it involves a man (I tend to ruin those on a regular basis).
Times when I am sourly disappointed because I didn’t get what I wanted, make me second guess my thought process. I start asking the legendary questions:
What is wrong with me?
Didn’t I really want that?
Did I hear God wrong?
Isn’t this my deepest desire?
Am I only wanting this for selfish reasons?
Is God punishing me?
Sigh. Now take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
My latest disappointment was the fact that I can’t move out yet. Over the last several years I’ve been anxiously waiting the day that I could be on my own. I’ve looked for houses. Looked for roommates. Wanted so badly to create my own nest. The time came and I thought for sure I had found the place I wanted. Large windows. Great view. Several rooms AND bathrooms.
Then… I took a good, long look at my pay check. Nope. Not going to work.
The next place I found was through a friend. Unfortunately that place turned out to be nothing like I had expected in my mind and once again I walked away with slumping shoulders and a little more bitterness in my already hardening heart.
My life consists of lots of desires. Most times when I have an idea or something pressing on my mind continually I am immediately ushered into getting the details figured out. But this last idea of moving out has gone much slower than I’ve ever thought it could be done. It has been over a year since this desire has been taking over my thought process and still nothing has been done about it.
I’d really like a mother-in-law suite to live in. And…. I don’t want roommates. Crazy I know.
So here I am still sitting at my parents dining room table. Looking out the windows overlooking Long Lake. The rain has made tiny speckles all over our large windows and the breeze is slowly making the maple and ever green trees dance.
Will I be here forever? Is it alright if I’m here forever?
A small smile creeps over my face. Some times I need to remind myself why I love where I am at the moment.
I love my home because:
I have a great relationship with my parents. We are friends. They impart wisdom to me.
I love this house. I’ve grown up here. So many memories and it really is like a vacation home.
I am comfortable. I love the familiarity of everything here. I still have siblings at home and I love the companionship they offer.
When I think of the reasons why I love where I am. Or list items that I’m okay with then I feel a little more content in staying just a little while longer.
Instead of being anxious to get away. I can stay and realize that the time will come when I have to move away. I’ll have to move out of this place I’ve loved for so many years. And that time is just not quite yet.
My advice for myself and for others in a disappointing time is to: sigh. Take a deep breath. Admit your disappointed. LIST WHY!
Go through your mind and pull all the reasons why you are disappointed and then weed them out into two categories. Selfish, unselfish.
You’ll make it through. The time will come.
Until then. I’d love to hear YOU handle disappointment. I’m always needing fresh ideas to keep me from crawling under that rock I’ve made for myself. 🙂