Writing 101 – your voice will find you

As I was in the shower I thought about what I’d write tonight. Interesting enough it had to do with my voice. How do I want to convey a message to the world?

Am I going to use “I” and “me”?

Will I write in story form They walked to the store…

Will I push myself into trying to persuade or share important historical facts?

Truth be told… I’m a journal-er. I have believed that it’s less of a success to write in journal form. But I believe as for now that is my voice. And as they say: You’re voice will find you.

I believe I’ve been found.

I sit at the table overlooking the lake that I grew up on. My parents built this house in 94′. I’ve grown up and now have an expectation that my house will be exactly like this. In the Country, on a lake and tall ceilings.

The neighbors are loud tonight and I can feel the tension that will come when the sky gets totally dark. My dad is working on a cabinet underneath the kitchen sink. My brother pushed me against it earlier in a tickle fight and I broke it off its hinges. It’s been an entire afternoon of work for him. Now I feel guilty.

Tomorrow I have to do work related activities starting at 8:45am when I have to leave my house. I am not looking forward to it. What would I rather be doing? Staying at home with my family. How come I think that I don’t need a job? I do need a job. It’s the fact that I don’t like the job I have.

My mother told me to ask my brother what it is he thinks my problem is with life. I asked. You’re a victim. Forget you.

Now I am reviewing the day. Do I really act like a victim? Did anyone ever really take a good long look at my life and wonder why I am a victim? You have to blame someone. Well #$%^. I didn’t think that my mom would agree with that.

I know down in my core that this is true. I am a victim. A victim of the way lives around me lived with me in theirs. Does that even make sense? I asked my mom to take me to counseling last year. She didn’t help. I should have done it myself and found someone. I was afraid. I thought counseling would help me realize why I am the way I am. Don’t we all want that?

I laugh at the face of insecurities. Yeah right. I laugh in the face of fear. That is far from the truth.

I see that I can be a victim and I want to change. I would rather be confident in myself than frustrated that my family didn’t like me when I was a child.I would rather be secure than uncomfortable in my own skin due to comments saying that I’ve never been good enough. I would so much rather be happy with where I am in life then questioning every decision because someone tells me without a degree I’ll never add up to anything.

So yes. I am a victim. But aren’t we all? Aren’t we all listening to our families voices. Friends voices and hearing them tell us that being just us is not good enough? I am sure we are all looking at each other and thinking that I should be better because they don’t think I’m good enough.

Yes. I’m victim.

How do I change that? I admitted it. Now what?

Just let it go right? I guess that is what next. Letting go.

So here is my voice for tonight. Goodnight.

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5 thoughts on “Writing 101 – your voice will find you

  1. Your confidence is building. You are expressing yourself with your blogging. Allow yourself some satisfaction with that.
    I’ve lived through many types of abuse, manipulation, accidents, illness and tragedies, but I’ve do not see myself as a victim. I’m still here. I live. I survive. I will thrive. I am happy with the person I have become.
    I wish you much confidence and love.

  2. It’s good – the asking, realizing and accepting.A process that helps us move forward and do what is supposed to be done. I think this post took lotta guts. Good one! Very introspective.

  3. Pingback: Just keep writing, Just keep writing… | thechelseapage

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