As I was in the shower I thought about what I’d write tonight. Interesting enough it had to do with my voice. How do I want to convey a message to the world?
Am I going to use “I” and “me”?
Will I write in story form They walked to the store…
Will I push myself into trying to persuade or share important historical facts?
Truth be told… I’m a journal-er. I have believed that it’s less of a success to write in journal form. But I believe as for now that is my voice. And as they say: You’re voice will find you.
I believe I’ve been found.
I sit at the table overlooking the lake that I grew up on. My parents built this house in 94′. I’ve grown up and now have an expectation that my house will be exactly like this. In the Country, on a lake and tall ceilings.
The neighbors are loud tonight and I can feel the tension that will come when the sky gets totally dark. My dad is working on a cabinet underneath the kitchen sink. My brother pushed me against it earlier in a tickle fight and I broke it off its hinges. It’s been an entire afternoon of work for him. Now I feel guilty.
Tomorrow I have to do work related activities starting at 8:45am when I have to leave my house. I am not looking forward to it. What would I rather be doing? Staying at home with my family. How come I think that I don’t need a job? I do need a job. It’s the fact that I don’t like the job I have.
My mother told me to ask my brother what it is he thinks my problem is with life. I asked. You’re a victim. Forget you.
Now I am reviewing the day. Do I really act like a victim? Did anyone ever really take a good long look at my life and wonder why I am a victim? You have to blame someone. Well #$%^. I didn’t think that my mom would agree with that.
I know down in my core that this is true. I am a victim. A victim of the way lives around me lived with me in theirs. Does that even make sense? I asked my mom to take me to counseling last year. She didn’t help. I should have done it myself and found someone. I was afraid. I thought counseling would help me realize why I am the way I am. Don’t we all want that?
I laugh at the face of insecurities. Yeah right. I laugh in the face of fear. That is far from the truth.
I see that I can be a victim and I want to change. I would rather be confident in myself than frustrated that my family didn’t like me when I was a child.I would rather be secure than uncomfortable in my own skin due to comments saying that I’ve never been good enough. I would so much rather be happy with where I am in life then questioning every decision because someone tells me without a degree I’ll never add up to anything.
So yes. I am a victim. But aren’t we all? Aren’t we all listening to our families voices. Friends voices and hearing them tell us that being just us is not good enough? I am sure we are all looking at each other and thinking that I should be better because they don’t think I’m good enough.
Yes. I’m victim.
How do I change that? I admitted it. Now what?
Just let it go right? I guess that is what next. Letting go.
So here is my voice for tonight. Goodnight.