Writing 101 – your personality on the page

Writing 101, Day Seventeen: What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.

 

The future. Doctors. Drugs. Emotions. Vulnerability. God. My Parents. My Siblings. The Government. Spiders. Tight spaces. Men. Money. Jobs. Spicy food… The list goes on.

It is possible that I find myself afraid of more things than I actually love.  If you asked me to write out a list of all the things I like, It would take me longer than a few moments to figure out what it is I really enjoy.

My fears dibilitate me. A few years ago I had a panic attack in a strangers home, with a friend I barely knew. I had fallen for the stupid propoganda that most Conspiratorsput out on their news feed. I was shaking. Crying. Going to the bathroom. Dry heaving. This lasted the majority of the night. I didn’t know it was possible to work up a fever when you aren’t even sick. I had made myself physically sick. It was embarrassing and eye-opening.

Since then I haven’t had one of these panic attacks. Praise the Lord! I’ve been avoiding at all cost the things on my list that triggers my fear. Interesting enough, I realized that when I am purposely avoiding the things that scare me, the more I hear, see and am in situations with those specific fears of mine.

So, should I not look for them then?

Yes! The more I live my day trying to avoid obstacles and frustrations, the more I run into them. This year has been an incredible journey for me as I’ve been learning how to let go of what I’ve been so afraid of.

It has not been in anyway easy. Just think of the anxiety I still get when I walk into a room and on every wall a large tv is blaring the news with warnings to hide under a rock because you’re gonna die soon. ok, maybe that’s a tad dramatic. But you get the picture.

My latest experience with fear had to do with quitting my job. God got me the job. Then, He asked me to quit the job. You know the feeling you get when you know somethings wrong and you’re stuck in the middle of it. And if you say something you are going to be very, very embarrassed. Not only embarrassed but probably humiliated for the rest of your life? That is how I was starting to feel in my place of work.

It was only fair that I let my boss know what I was feeling. He’s never asked me for my thoughts before and I am not one to just share randomly. So I let him know. It was a shock for him. And the words I knew I didn’t want to hear from him came out of his lips “That just doesn’t make sense.” And of course, the look. You know the look. The look that says you are crazy.

Well, maybe I am. Crazy, that is. I sat back in my chair at the front desk and couldn’t get my heart to calm down or my mind to stop thinking about it. I kept hearing, Chels, You have to trust me. Trust me because I am the only who knows you’re tomorrow. I know that it’s been said that God knows you’re deepest desires more than we know them ourselves. I’ve been afraid that somehow out of everyone in the world He’s chosen to leave me out in the dust. That’s not true, I know. But just because I know that doesn’t stop the feelings or thoughts from coming. You get me, right?

My heart was literally pounding out of my chest. I could feel my cheeks cold and my forehead hot. I was getting sick again. The sick that comes when I work myself up into something I know I just need to let go of.

So yesterday, My fear went crazy. And when I finally got enough courage to say what I needed to say, it went away. Just like that.

You know the song, Trust and Obey? I’ve been singing that since Saturday. And yesterday I realized why. I am to Trust and Obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to Trust and Obey. My Fear is because I don’t trust. I don’t obey. I hold on when He tells me to let go. I let go when He tells me to Hold on.  No wonder I’m crazy!

So today is another day and I’m still singing that song. Knowing that The fears I have can be controlled. When I trust and obey, I don’t have to worry about what tomorrow holds. For the most important thing is this present moment. He’ll tell me where to go, what to do.

Why should I be afraid?

 

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